From crank@santacruz.org Date: Sun, 15 Oct 2000 11:58:58 -0700 (PDT) Subject: sad lish news#!@ the sad lish news is that i made it safely to santa cruz. tee-hee! first, the coolest thing i saw on the trip. at the western edge of wyoming, there is a big billboard that reads exactly as such: THREE STRIKES YOUR OUT XXX DON'T BE A LOSER - DON'T DO PORN if i'd seen it before i was on the road, i could've gotten a photo. i implore those who live near exit six off i-80 in wyoming to GO GET MANY PHOTOS OF THIS BILLBOARD. holy crap, that was awesome. now, for those planning a trek of 2100 miles cross-country in a truck with a car transport trailer, here are some... + helpful travel tips from your pal lish! - be prepared to put up with your radio seek catching on 91.9 through most of the trip. this station has, at all times, some horrible idiot talking about movies he doesn't like. he just goes on & on forever & NEVER SHUTS UP. - in nebraska, if you're lucky, you'll get to hear a great commercial about "vote yes to prop [n] because if you don't, nebraska may be forced to recognize SAME SEX MARRIAGES!" horrors!# the commercial was set up as a kid's birthday party, & the moms are talking. the argument was that "let's just keep things how they are - same sex marriages would be so CONFUSING for our CHILDREN!" i don't think the actors even bought into THAT one. - utah is all downhill. be prepared to ride the brake for a hundred miles. - nevada is all uphill. be prepared for the oh-so pleasant sound of a struggling engine raging over your music. - utah is covered in gross stuff to both sides of the road. i don't know what it is. it looked like beach shoreline mixed with rotting human flesh. try not to look; it's tough to vomit & drive at the same time. - it's intimidating sitting higher than guard rails. it helps to tightly shut your eyes while driving on overpasses. - if you found hotel coupons online & the stay in reno was really inexpensive & you thought to yourself, "hey, it'd be fun to stay overnight in reno," don't. reno was not built with a large vehicle in mind. reno was built with people riding PONIES in mind. LITTLE ponies. there is nowhere to park a 15' truck with a car tied to its ass. i mean nowhere. i drove around reno for a half hour looking for a parking spot near a motel, ANY motel. there just isn't one. - realize that although the little sleeping guy sign on the side of the road LOOKS like it should mean "there are sleeping accomodations at this exit", it doesn't. to the best of my ability, i've judged it to mean "HAW HAW, you've been driving for fourteen hours & are exhausted & you think there's a motel here for you but there's NOT HA HA HA." - if you're still driving after reno searching desperately for a motel ANYWHERE, don't stop right before auburn, california, & certainly don't pull into a cheap-looking motel on the left of the road with a burnt-out sign because this motel is EVIL. i'm not going into further detail; all you need to know is that it's tough to back up a trailer in an S-formation. the good news is that i'm now a pro at backing up a trailer. - further, the street you pull into, when you finally find a motel that'll have you, is also evil. sure, it's big enough for you to turn around NOW, but when you go fill out your motel crap, a semi will pull in & the driver will immediately leave to the fourth dimension, making it necessary for you to back the trailer into some guy's driveway, killing his garden, & hit a three-point-turn-sort-of. fortunately, you are now a pro at backing up a trailer, so it'll only take fifteen minutes of jumping into & out of the cab in thirty degree weather to see where the hell your wheels should be. - there is snow in eastern california. have sedatives on hand. + varied other observations: - strangely, i didn't suffer any of my normal traveling dreams. usually they're all about falling asleep at the wheel or hitting something, but i only dreamed about ex-boyfriends, a velvet dress, & teeth. (you can put that together any way you like.) - there is a RENO 286 distance sign. i am a geek. - in elko, nevada, the girl at subway gave me free double meat on my BMT & it nearly killed me. don't get BMTs with extra meat. it's death. DEATH. - i towed a car transport trailer carrying a '91 mustang. when the trailer went over bumps, i felt it in my butt. ok, not IN my butt, but in my BUTT. it was odd & fairly unpleasant being molested by a truck. - i don't think it's good to be able to smell your brakes. - i saw a mint green porsche 911. MINT GREEN. the hell? + statistics: sunday 8: 10.5 hours, 600 miles monday 9: 12 hours, 700 miles tuesday 10: 15 hours, 720 miles* wednesday 11: 5 hours, 130 miles vehicle cost: $1322 ($837 truck, $280 trailer, tax & such) motels: $109** gasoline: $379 (* time including a half hour driving around reno & two hours backing up the trailer.) (** i got ten bucks off the last motel because they FORGOT TO TURN ON HEAT IN MY UNIT. thanks.) total life wasted: 42.5 hours over 2150 miles total cost: $1810 cost per mile: eighty-four cents. thank you for stopping. lish