[ note: for serious answers, read texts by lish:
tattoo faq: http://compunction.dyndns.org/healing.txt
piercing faq: http://compunction.dyndns.org/healing2.txt ]


Dr. Yttrx's World Famous Tattoo FAQ and Hair Restoring Tincture; 
            Part Two:   SEX!
     -"I've never been more popular with the ladies!"
                -a satisfied customer


I. Male

1. Are there really people who have thier *thingies* tattooed?
2. How do you tattoo a scrotum?
3. I have a pair of wings tattooed over my penis and my friend 
and I have a bet going.  I say that im on the only one in the world brilliant 
enough to think of such an original concept but he says im not the first.  
Whos right?
4. How long should I wait before having sex after getting my penis tattooed?
5. I got my penis tattooed so that it looks like 'Grover' 
from sesame street as a christmas present to my girlfriend.  I even did the 
voice and everything.  But now shes over in the corner rocking back and forth 
and crying...every once in a while she mumbles something about 'neeeaaaar' 
and 'faaaaaarrr'...What happened?  Doesnt she like her present?
6. I had a used to have a superman logo tattooed on the head of my penis.  I 
just had sex with my girlfriend and now its gone!  What happened to it?
7. How can I hide my 'queer' scrollwork on my scrotum from my mother?  If she 
finds out im gay shell have a heart attack.
8. I TOLD MY WIFE SHE HAD TO GET A TATTOO OF MY NAME ON HER PUSSY BUT SHE 
DOESNT WANT TO DO IT NOW I KEEP SLAPPING THE BITCH BUT ITS NOT HELPING WHAT 
CAN I DO TO MAKE HER DO IT SHOULD I JUST KNOCK HER OUT AND DO IT WHILE SHES 
ASLEEP.

II. Female

1. MY FAT LAZY HUSBAND IS TRYING TO GET ME TO GET HIS NAME TATTOOED ON MY 
PUSSY AND I THINK HES BEEN ASKING QUESTIONS AROUND HERE. IM PRETTY SURE 
HES GOING TO TRY TO KNOCK ME OUT WHILE IM ASLEEP AND DO IT HIMSELF DO YOU 
KNOW WHERE HE IS?
2. Id like to get my breasts tattooed, but ive heard conflicting stories 
about healing.  What can I expect?
3. I was advised to use a topical anesthetic before being tattooed over my 
venutian mound.  Is this really nessesary?  Am I a wuss if I use it?

III. Misc

1. Im having problems with my brand new tattoo during sex.  Inevitably, 
rubbing occurs and im afraid im loosing color; cause I can see it all over 
him.  Is there any way I can avoid this?
2. I'm having similar problems to the person above, but my thing is that the 
pressing and rubbing has caused inky lymph to get all over the inside of my 
new shirt, and now it kind of looks like ive been stabbed.  What will get 
the stain out of my shirt?
3. I have a tattoo on my chest of a naked girl except her nipple is actually 
my nipple cause its sort of an optical illusion thing there, isnt that cool?
4. I'm 15 and I really want to get a tattoo and I KNOW im ready for one and 
just because all you fuckers tell me im too young doesnt mean I really am 
anyway my question is what should I get that will really show people that im 
different and unique?
5. Look, im todd bertrang's friend and if you say one more mean thing about 
him im going to come kick your fucking ASS!  Why are you such an asshole?  
What, were you chewed on by rats as a child or something?  Where do you come 
off?  I find all of this highly offensive and im just not going to take it 
anymore.

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I. Male

1. Are there really people who have thier *thingies* tattooed?

Yes.

2. How do you tattoo a scrotum?

There are different techniques.  Ive heard of everything from stretching the 
scrotum over a tennis ball to nailing it to a plank of wood.  The idea here 
is to stretch it out so that the tattoo can be even and consistent.

3. I have a pair of wings tattooed over my penis and my friend and I have a 
bet going.  I say that im on the only one in the world brilliant enough to 
think of such an original concept but he says im not the first.  Whos right?

Wings?  For real?  Man, tell you're friend hes a silly fucker, because that 
is the most original and coolest thing ive EVER heard.  Wings.  Right on.

4. How long should I wait before having sex after getting my penis tattooed?

Until the onion skin goes away.

5. I got my penis tattooed so that it looks like 'Grover' 
from sesame street as a christmas present to my girlfriend.  I even did 
the voice and everything.  But now shes over in the corner rocking back and 
forth and crying...every once in a while she mumbles something about 
'neeeaaaar' and 'faaaaaarrr'...What happened?  Doesnt she like her present?

Ummm...im not exactly sure that she _didnt_ like
it....

6. I had a used to have a superman logo tattooed on the head of my penis.  
I just had sex with my girlfriend and now its gone!  What happened to it?

Whoa...I have no idea.

7. How can I hide my 'queer' scrollwork on my scrotum from my mother?  If 
she finds out im gay shell have a heart attack.

Just ask her to turn around when you masturbate.

8. I TOLD MY WIFE SHE HAD TO GET A TATTOO OF MY NAME ON HER PUSSY BUT SHE 
DOESNT WANT TO DO IT NOW I KEEP SLAPPING THE BITCH BUT ITS NOT HELPING WHAT 
CAN I DO TO MAKE HER DO IT SHOULD I JUST KNOCK HER OUT AND DO IT WHILE SHES 
ASLEEP.

You need to slap her harder.  Show her whos boss.  She may not completely 
realize who the breadwinner in the family is, but I guarantee you a few 
good hard backhands to the face will do the trick.  You dont have to knock 
her out.

II. Female

1. MY FAT LAZY HUSBAND IS TRYING TO GET ME TO GET HIS NAME TATTOOED ON MY 
PUSSY AND I THINK HES BEEN ASKING QUESTIONS AROUND HERE. IM PRETTY SURE HES 
GOING TO TRY TO KNOCK ME OUT WHILE IM ASLEEP AND DO IT HIMSELF DO YOU KNOW 
WHERE HE IS?

I havent seen him.

2. Id like to get my breasts tattooed, but ive heard conflicting stories 
about healing.  What can I expect?

This is clearly different with every set of breasts.  But from what ive seen, 
it if you have breasts large enough to be quite independent of the rest of 
your chest, you may have some problems with uneven healing as the skin 
stretches and contracts.  I would recommend two things:

A sports bra.

Saran wrap while its lymphie, just to keep the moisturizer on your skin and 
off your bra.

Smaller breasts may not pose such a problem.  If your breasts are small 
enough to go bra-less without alot of tension and compression, I would 
recommend doing that until you heal up.

And no running!  :P

3. I was advised to use a topical anesthetic before being tattooed over my 
venutian mound.  Is this really necessary?  Am I a wuss if I use it?

Its not really necesary, and yes you are a wuss if you use it.

III. Misc

1. Im having problems with my brand new tattoo during sex.  Inevitably, 
rubbing occurs and im afraid im loosing color; cause I can see it all over 
him.  Is there any way I can avoid this?

Be more careful.

2. I'm having similar problems to the person above, but my thing is that 
the pressing and rubbing has caused inky lymph to get all over the inside of 
my new shirt, and now it kind of looks like ive been stabbed.  What will get 
the stain out of my shirt?

When ive had this problem, I like trying cold water and a little detergent.  
Some may find the sudden disappearance of color disconcerting, but using saran 
wrap as a guard against the inside of your clothes really does the trick.  
What you dont want to do, however is wear the saran wrap for long periods of 
time.  Letting your wound breathe and
heal and keeping your shirts free of your own bodily fluids is game of timing.

3. I have a tattoo on my chest of a naked girl except her nipple is actually 
my nipple cause its sort of an optical illusion thing there, isnt that cool?

No.

4. I'm 15 and I really want to get a tattoo and I KNOW im ready for one and 
just because all you fuckers tell me im too young doesnt mean I really am 
anyway my question is what should I get that will really show people that im 
different and unique?

I think getting "I'm a teenager and im well aware that I dont know everything" 
in old english lettering across your lower back would be unique.

5. Look, im todd bertrang's friend and if you say one more mean thing about 
him im going to come kick your fucking ASS!  Why are you such an asshole?  
What, were you chewed on by rats as a child or something?  Where do you come 
off?  I find all of this highly offensive and im just not going to take it 
anymore.

--stop it, you're making me horny.
--society makes me do it.
--no.
--its my divinely presented right to do as I wish.
--good.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------


More people who can kiss my ass:

1. goth chicks who draw spiderwebs on their faces
2. goth chicks who wear black veils 
3. goth chicks who wear net shirts with their bras showing through
4. goth boys
5. stupid fuckers who purposely tear holes in their (probably fake)
leather and then purposely put duct tape over it to make it look 
like theyre actually not little wussy momma's boy dipshits.
6. people who presume that when I say 'expresso', im actually not 
being funny and making a subliminal social commentary, but instead
think that im an idiot and find it in their hearts to correct me.
7. People who actually put flowers in the built-into-the-dashboard
vase that comes with the new VW Beetles.
8. astronomers who think theyre scientists.
9. people who like carl sagan.
10. todd bertrang
11. people who say 'dope' when they mean 'cool'
12. people who believe the rockefeller funded studies from the '30s
that support the theory that pot mutates your zygotes.
13. people who dont know who bob geldof is.
14. people who still think the rolling stones 'have it'.
15. alterna-teens who wear bottom collars that SNAP.
16. alterna-teens who wear any other snap-on bondage accessories.
17. alterna-teens
18. people who were disturbed at any point during 'trainspotting'.
19. weekend bikers/punks/hippies/clubkids.
20. people with goddamned, mother fucking, deep and meaningful, 
socially conscious and 'disturbing' tattoos of UPC codes on 
their goddamned mother fucking pussy ass necks.  Thats right 
rollins, im talkin to YOU.

Dammit.




-----yttrx